A Wake Up Call in Life

Over the last 4 months, my life has been turning up side down. Problem with family, work all mixed together and appears that God had a different view about what I suppose to do in my life and my priority in life.

The old concept seem not working at all and there is a strong push for me to rethink what means to me and what they are.

I used to focus on work and making more money, as I feel I am always lack of it and still am, but does that fix all my problem, at least at this very moment, no. I does not help me in anyway. I appear that only love seem to mean something for me, love from family, from friends and love of life.

Life used to be miserable to me and still am at the very point of time, but you need to love it, embrace it the way it is and make the most of it, rather than making more complains and excuses.

From today, I will stop complain and make my life enjoyable and hopefully all good things emanates.

Today is the date to 'celebrate' the first month anniversary at my temporary home, which to me is more or less like a self-made prison, which no sentence, no date and no hope.

For over the last few months, I am not sure why me and my wife would end up like what is today and recently, I found out a lot of people at my position have a very similar situation in their 40s. I wish this could end soon but I really have no idea.

I know what is lacking between me and my wife, QUALITY TIME, I simply do not focus to give any spare time for her any my family and thanks to Kevin, I know what are the important features in love which I hope I could tackle all of them and mitigate to my wife.

I have moved away from home for a whole month as of now and I realize the problem between us.

1) I have a very bad temper which when triggered very hard to stop.
2) We have never see any good example of good couples on how to resolve conflicts in marriage, as both of our parents were not good examples
3) We have over estimated our abilities, e.g. she have over estimated her ability of being a full time mom and house wife, while I have over estimated my ability to stay clam working at home, etc.
4) We do not have any date nights for a very long time, which caused lack of communications, I mean quality communications.
5) I have a haunting childhood, which my childhood memory comes up when I see the same situation at home.
6) I do not know how to prioritize work and family life, for a very long time, work always come first, which is very wrong.
7) I do not have enough or enough quality time with my family or good real care of my family members, a lot of the time, the care is just skin deep. I admit that I am not sensitive and care enough.
8) I always think that when I provided good material life, my family will be happy and in fact no.
9) My wife is very independent and some time a bit wild, so, I have miss treated her as a normal Chinese housewife.
10) I do not appreciate my wife enough for all she had done and some time, my wife being a bit stubborn, she do not know how to show she love me, I actually just need a hug or a kiss after a long day.

Thank you very much for this I call "Family Incident 2016", I realize that I have miss treated my family for so long and they deserve better. As it is still April at the moment, I would dedicate the remaining of the year to improve myself, to improve the way I treat my family, to show more appreciation, to care more and to love more. I hope my beloved wife would realize the effort I have made and the changes I have done and hope we could reunite very soon.

After over two months of arguments and two major fights with my wife, I have now moved to a hotel and looking for an apartment to live, while waiting for me beloved wife to calm down, so that we could speak and sort out our problems.

In the meantime, I found out that I have Major Depression and started to take medication, which hopefully could control my mood and hope in the long run, when I united with family, I will no longer be that moody and gave so much stress to my family.

Depression is a problem, as my doctor suggested, caused by the way I was brought up, always being left alone since I was 4 and I still remember many horrible scenes in the family when I grow up, which hopefully with the help of my doctor and councilor, I could tackle them now before they cause any tragedy to me or my family.

I truly love my wife and that's why I tended to care too much, which caused stress to her and also because of my insecurity, things turn quite bad some time. I really have to change and improve myself to be a fit and proper person to love and to be with my family.

God, please grand me strength and health to tackle all these problems, I know you are always with me.

After all these years and all these ups and downs in my life, I finally realise that I have been an old dog for too long and stop myself from learning new tricks and open myself to new idea.

That turned into my love life too. I think my wife should be doing A, B and C, but instead this is not what she wanted and now it just come to a time when we have a huge problem and I personally could not find a way out. I try to do everything, begging her, yelling at her, shouting and her and worse come worse thrown a chair towards her.

Two months have nearly past and there is only very little improvement in our relationship. We do not yell or shout at each other anymore, we (at least I) do not feel the hate anymore.

Thank you very much to Uncle Calvin who told me that I am not humble enough and not love my wife enough, which caused all these trouble. Of course, there is problem about how we communicate too. Wish Whatsapp, messaging apps and many other apps, smart phones, we are no longer talking to each other. We message each other, we don't talk, so when we need to talk, we don't know how to.

Over the past four years, I recalled myself have very little time talking to my wife which is sad. Now, with my wife blocking off my Whatsapp, FB Messenger, I speak to her or just a few SMS that all. We have to speak.

God, I pray to you, please give me wisdom, strength, patience, confident and love so that I could over come. Please heal the wounds of my wife and make her open up her heart for me again.

I love my wife and I will be here for her for as long as I shall live.

Javyan, you are my true and only love.

事有喜 面有光 終始好商量 壺中日月長

事有喜 面有光 終始好商量 壺中日月長. Hope this is accurate!

God Please Grand me Wisdom and Strength

Dear God,

I have a big fight with my wife for over 3 weeks and things are so far not getting any better but in fact over the weekend it had became worse.

I prayed to you on Sunday and felt light and relieved on Sunday and Monday. My wife was even talking to me on something (something is better than nothing) and drove me to work this morning. However, you could still feel a very strong negative energy in her or in our relationship.

I sent her a small bear and a card as a surprise, I hope that could work, or at least improve the situation slightly but again, after dropping me off. I really feel that there is still a huge problem between her and me.

I am willing to be the first one to say sorry and mitigate our relationship and I pray to God and hope that I could pass my burden to God and all the negative energy to Him.

God, please listen to my prayer, I really need your help to mend our relationship this time, for I have no way but I believe God you have the method. Please grand me the wisdom and strength for making up with my wife and grand me patience and love to me beloved wife.

Over the years

Over the years, I think I have put too much effort to find a way to improve myself in all aspects. I keep looking outside to find a way to improve myself and I totally forgotten the need of actual improvement, which is from internal rather than external.

My wife in particular suffers a lot these years. Of course, as a traditional Chinese woman, she maintain her quietness keep on her hard work of looking after the family, while I am doing all sorts of adventure.

I think it is time to change, or for me to change internally, the way to look at women, especially my beloved wife. My humble thought is that, if I start to change the way to look at my wife, the way I treat my wife, she will know and remember how much we are in love.

Dear, except longing to put you in my arms again, I have all the patience for you, to listen to you and love you.  

Happily Ever After

It is been a long time since I wrote in this blog. It appears that life had be very good to me for the last few years or maybe I am just too busy.

My Mater have reminded me many times that there is always challenges in life, in all aspects in your life but I just turn a blind eye to it, thinking my life is good. I have a good family, a good and lovely wife, a good job, good health (just a bit fatter) and everything seems to be good expect one or two things, which cannot fix in due time.

Things happened on boxing day, while people enjoying their enjoyable festival, I am sick, I am at home and I have arguments with my beloved one. This in consequence creates some more skirmishes and some more sparkling in our very clam and boring marriage.

For four years, I have immersed myself with work, kids and my personal stuff, e.g. karate, masonry, going out for my own stuff, holidays, etc. My life seems to be very colourful, if you do not agreed, find me on facebook. I am fully engaged. My beloved wife, what she did in the last four years is support me, keep her mouth shut and keep supporting me. She never told me how stressful she is, how she felt and she appears to me to be happy. On my part, I seems to be too busy and just have no time to care at all. I never realise my wife needs personal time for herself, and may be she never told me or the higher chance is that she have told me and I did not take it whole heartily. 

On that boxing day mentioned above, the sparkling comes, I shout at her and said she was not suppose to go out late but in fact, I have not look into the fact that she have not been out so late without me next to her for years. For me, maybe I am very old school, I think women shall not be going out that late. Yet, I have never figure out that she just wish to find her own escape or in another terms to get some fresh air.

Over the pass 8 years something, we have been go on for some ups and downs in our relationship and this is in fact the first major melt down after we married. What appears to be a very joy and happy household appears to be full of troublesome. 

In Thailand, I remember I said something to God that I have a very good family and I thank him. But now I believed that the situation we have before are not ideal in his mind and he want us to change. To change for the better. In fact, I start to ask if I love my wife, if I love her enough, if I love her the way she wanted me, if I have done enough, I start to be pathetic, doing everything crazy and think that may make things changed overnight. Yet, I does not appear that way or in anyway appear to be successful. It seems to make things worse.

I admit I am not the perfect person, at least not as perfect as I look like or I believe in myself but my wife is always bigger than my ego and I am willing to change for her and for her happiness. Just that I am not doing good enough. 

I understand how much I love before I decided I marry her and I hope she will remember and hopefully still thinks the same. I hope I can remember all these reasons behind why I married her and accept the challenges I have to take to put this family back in place. Mend our relationship and keep my sanity while waiting for my dear. I hope things will come to a happy ending.  The bitterness of the cold, I am here to suffer, if that could eventually be melted and become soft and tender again.

For my wife, I have only one word to say, I love you, if anything have to be done to make you smile again, I do. 

May God grand me strength and wisdom to face this situation, be calm and be patience.